Faith and Work :: Ryan's Story

Like so many others, especially those in their early twenties, I have undergone a vocational crisis (and am still working through it), so I thought I would share my experience and insights on it all:

I went through four years of college under the delusion that I wanted to be a physical therapist. I never changed majors, I never outwardly second-guessed my career choice, yet I never felt fully confident in my plan. I was just going with the flow. It was easier to just tell people that I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life than actually try to figure it out.

During my senior year at Truman, I applied to the only Doctor of Physical Therapy program in St. Louis (where my then-fiance Natalie had accepted a job) that was taking students from other schools--Wash U. While I was waiting to hear whether I had been accepted or not, I began assuming the worst and actually started thinking about what I would do if I didn't get in. Part of me hoped that I would be rejected so that I wouldn't have to make the choice between paying a ton of money to attend or finding a different career path. However, despite my fantasies of rejection, I got my acceptance call: I was in. Then I got excited. Yes, it would cost an arm and a leg and would take up three years of my life, but I felt very proud to tell people that I had my life figured out, that I would get a doctorate at a top-ranked program. I had my career path lined out, I was soon to be married, life was good.

I made it through my first semester just fine. The excitement of the October wedding and busyness of school kept me preoccupied. I did notice that some of the other students seemed a bit more excited about the field than I did, but I just wrote that off as my innate laid-back demeanor. However, starting back after Christmas break, I began to have second thoughts. They popped up here and there at first but started coming with force at the end of January. Things intensified drastically when I came down with a mystery stomach illness. I felt miserable being in class. Nausea came and went, so it was very discomforting trying to make it through eight hours of class everyday. This caused me to dread going to school, and I began to think heavily about whether I even wanted to continue with the program.

I was a mess on the inside, but I told no one for awhile, not even my wife. I thought I could tough it out. However, my stomach wasn't getting any better, and I wasn't feeling any more confident in my career choice. I hit a breaking point. I decided that I had to tell Natalie what I was thinking. I felt so ashamed that it took me three days to finally write her a long email about it. I struggled to click "send." Naturally, we had a very emotional talk when we got home that evening. We were both scared and had no idea what to do.

In the end, after much prayer and discussion with those close to me, I decided it was best to leave the program. It felt weird. I didn't know if I was quitting for the right reasons or if I was just taking the "easy" way out. I was confused, and most of all, I was ashamed. I knew that almost everyone went through something similar at some point, but I always thought I was better than that. It was the first time in my life that I was truly faced with something difficult. I had no clue what to do. It was the first time that I felt truly at God's mercy, instead of being in control of everything.

Needless to say, I went through a very difficult period for a number of months. I was applying for jobs, not knowing if I truly wanted them, but knowing that I needed to contribute financially. Nothing was happening. I felt a lot of pressure  to get a job. I tried to maintain my pride on the outside, but inside I still felt like a failure for being unemployed. I drew closer to God in ways and tried to trust His plan, but part of me still thought that I should be able to fix the situation on my own.

I eventually got a job at a coffee shop and started working on an MBA, which gave me something to occupy my time. Recently, I got a job at Boeing and am settling in there. These positive steps have relieved much of the stress and pressure, but I still don't know where my career is heading. I know that I am not alone in this feeling. So the question is, how do we know if we are heading down the right path professionally? Why does God not make it clear to everyone where they should be and why? Is it okay to grind it out in unfulfilling jobs as long as we are able to pay the bills or should we be looking elsewhere? Unfortunately, God does not always provide clear answers, but He does offer us contentment in a relationship with Him. I need to rely on this relationship more, and then I won't feel as though I need to have everything figured out for myself. This is easier said than done, but it does give us hope and encouragement to make it through these tough periods in life.

Ryan McLaury