Faith and Work :: Michelle's Story
I think I was born a perfectionist or, at least, I was raised to be one. Anyone who has a mom or dad that used toothbrushes to clean and has ever brought home an A- only to be told to try for an A or A+ next time, knows what I mean. Not that I had a horrible upbringing at all, just one that always encouraged me to be better, do more, and never settle.
Luckily for my sometimes messy husband, I am a reformed perfectionist in the area of cleaning and organizing. I’ve taught myself to manage those overwhelming impulses to clean and organize. I am happy to report that I have a much higher tolerance for messes than ever before.
Unfortunately, I am not a reformed perfectionist in all areas of my life, especially work. The same impulse that drives me to clean light switches with a toothbrush (have you ever noticed how dirty those things get!?), drives me to excel at work. I am an art and art history teacher; and I have high expectations for my students. I really do expect my students to learn how to draw or learn about Greek mythology, depending on the class.
Even more, I have high expectations for myself as a teacher. I believe a skilled teacher can teach in most circumstances. Makes sense, no?
And here in lies my dilemma: if students are not learning and excelling at the pace I expect, then I need to plan more, do more, be more. I end up making new assignments, new presentations, new lessons, new essay prompts, and so on. All in all, I end up being true to my perfectionist roots.
And when all my hard work does not produce the results I want – when students do not learn and my evaluating administrator does not notice – I question my profession. Maybe, I am not meant to be a teacher? I try too hard and achieve too little, because this job does not ‘fit’ me.
Or, perhaps, I have to confront an even harder reality. Something I would never say aloud and might drive me more than I would ever admit. I am not perfect and I have not found the perfect job.
Some girls grow up dreaming about their wedding. In high school, I decided that I wanted to travel, earn multiple degrees, live in a downtown area, and get married when I was thirty. That was my dream. And in this fantasy, I was driven, successful, and had a boss who loved me. In high school, I would have never seen any similarities between my dream and girls who dreamed about beach weddings where they looked like Malibu Barbie.
Now, I think I have a lot in common with those girls. We were both overly idealistic. Just like every beach wedding will have sand that gets stuck between your toes, every job has things that can irritate you to the point of giving up.
I think I’m slowly beginning to understand that this side of Heaven we are not perfect and situations are not ideal. One day I may even be a reformed-idealist: someone who does not exchange idealism for cynicism, but a person who knows when to leave well enough alone.
-Michelle
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ReplyDeleteGood article Michelle! As a fellow perfectionist I share with you in a lot of the same sentiments (except maybe the Malibu Barbie part). I like your analogy of hoping to become a reformed-idealist, as this seems to be a natural way of resolving the tension between idealism (not the philosophical form) and perfectionism. My problem often is that I tend to view myself in terms of what I know compared to what there is to be known on a given subject, find I am deficient and despair. I don’t think idealism in itself is bad as it can serve to propel us to deeper knowledge or development. But the danger is when we take it to the end and create unrealistic standards of perfectionism, blame ourselves and become dissatisfied when we cannot achieve them.
ReplyDeleteDo you agree?
Hmm... maybe excellence would be a better thing to work toward as opposed to working toward perfection or an ideal. As a teacher, I am always asking my students to grow - whether they are 'low' or 'high'. So, maybe it is about growing towards a standard or a goal without necessarily expecting to achieve it 100%. I think you can be excellent without being perfect persay... but I guess it does not matter what you call it as long as you learn when to turn off the "go-go-go" mode and rest in God, knowing that we are not perfect.
ReplyDeleteMichelle