The Pastor's Wife: On Being a Friend

by Bobbi Cloeter

This past Monday was my birthday. Not a milestone birthday; not a “check-a-new-box” birthday, but a quiet, uneventful birthday. And at this stage in my life, that’s good. I have too many other loud and eventful days to worry about one more. But this birthday did offer me the chance to see how many people care about me and call me “friend.”

I looked up the word friend in the dictionary and Webster defines it as this: one attached to another by affection or esteem; one that is not hostile; a favored companion. All those definitions ring true. When you think of a friend, you think of people you like; nice people; people you hold in esteem and have affection towards. You don’t think of the barista at Starbuck’s or the mailman or the driver of the car in front of you who doesn’t use their directional signals…You think of those who love and care for you. Who support you. People you trust and enjoy spending time with.

My friends are awesome. They are people I trust. They are honest, loyal and have integrity. We have a good time together and wish we could hang out more often. We share similar interests and viewpoints. We like the same types of music and food. And most importantly, we are bonded by our faith in Jesus. My friends are people who will lift me up and hold me accountable.

As great as my friends are, Jesus is a way better friend. No I can’t borrow his clothes or go to the movies with him, but I can always count on him. His friendship with me is selfless. He doesn’t want anything from me except my love and trust. He is willing to give himself up completely for me.

Right now, some of my friends are mocking me with youtube videos or old hymns, but stop and think about your friendship with Jesus. Would you put up with a friend like he puts up with you? His birthday is all about what YOU are getting. You go to his house every week; you only stay an hour, but act like it’s a chore. You talk to him occasionally or intermittently, but it’s about what YOU need, what YOU want, what YOUR thoughts are. You don’t call. You don’t write. You don’t visit. It’s a completely one-sided relationship. And yet, Jesus was still willing to die for you.

"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” John 15: 12-13

See, friends really aren’t the 1000 people you stalk on Facebook, but the ones you’ll go to the depths for. The ones to whom you’ll admit you’re having a bad day, or sit up all night with and sacrifice sleep and coffee and other things that are dear to you. A study from the University of Oxford found that 15 is the maximum number of deep friendships one can maintain. As your numbers of friends increase, the health of the relationship you have with those friends decreases. Those 15 are your “GO-TO” friends. The ones you talk to weekly and interact with regularly. You have deep friendships with them, not just a surface knowledge of their lives. And you have an even smaller circle of friends that you are tightly connected to. This number is closer to five. These are the ones that you have their backs and they have yours. You can (and do) tell them everything that is going on in your life. They know you inside and out – and they still like you.

So, what does this mean? Well, it doesn’t mean you should decline friend requests and unfriend all those people you know on the social networks. And it doesn’t mean that you become hyperfocused on just those closest to you. We live in a world with 7 billion people; you’re going to have to learn to interact with others at some point. You need to remember to 5 who have your back and one who came back – from the grave, for you.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the many well-wishes and happy strolls down memory lane. I’m blessed to have friends like you. It was a nice reminder to cherish those God brings into our lives. Speaking of memory lane, remember calling in to the radio stations and sending dedications out to your friends? Well, I’d like to make a dedication to you: “Thank-you for being my friend…”